It. Gets. Everywhere.

It. Gets. Everywhere.

Ive got a weed in my back garden.  “Big deal,” I hear you cry, “Haven’t we all?”  Yes, we have, but please bear with me.  I can feel an analogy coming on.  Now please note - I am not green-fingered and I don’t have much experience with plants in general so I may make some mistakes when elaborating botanically. 

The weed which is the cause of my woes is called Ground Elder.  It’s deceptive stuff because it doesn’t immediately look like a weed if you aren’t born with shears in your hand and wellies on your feet.  It’s not all ragged and nasty like bindweed, nor does it have the telltale sting of nettles.  Its not poisonous and it doesn’t even look that horrible as long as you don’t mind very bland green leaves filling every square inch of your shrubbery.  Mine grows upwards and outwards making it look a little like a bush.  Or even, in one section of the garden, like a tree.  But let me assure you, however it may initially look, the monstous stuff is definitely a weed.  It. Gets. Everywhere.

Here’s what a gardening website has to say about Ground Elder:

Perennial, spreading mainly by creeping underground stems, sometimes by seed. Although they have been found down to 30 feet or more in cave systems, the roots usually form a network just below the surface, so they are quite easily dug up. However every last trace must be removed because any small fragments will regenerate. This is why this weed is very difficult to eliminate as it is usually growing among other plants. It is premature to declare victory in the battle with Ground-elder without allowing a few years to pass. Vigilance is required for at least this amount of time for some re-emergance, particularily if it has been allowed to grow unchallenged for some time. The roots will have been widespread and it will have cast some seed which may germinate as new plants.

In much the same way (here’s that analogy I promised you) our democracy is infected with a weed which has come to be known as the quangocracy.  Like Ground Elder, this stuff doesn’t immediately look like a weed either.  It snakes its way into every corner of government, its roots taking underground paths so that you can’t see quite how intrusive it is.  You might not even know its there until it pops up and takes over an area of government that had previously appeared to be weed free.  It can undermine the legitimate parts of government in subtle and effective ways (as Michael Gove is currently discovering to his chagrin.)

Like Ground Elder, the quangocracy is very difficult to eliminate as it is growing among productive sections of the government, winding its way through them so that a liberal dose of weed-killer will be counter-productive, damaging important areas too.  The quangocracy knows this – indeed, it counts on it. 

Like Ground Elder, the only way to be sure an individual quango is gone is to quite literally eradicate every trace of it.  But instead the “bonfire of the quangos” seems to be quietly turning into the renaming of the quangos, or the relocating of the quangos, or just surrendering to the quangos.  This is done for honest and decent reasons I’m sure, but there’s the rub – if you leave these unelected, undemocratic edifices a foothold they will just grow right back where they were before.  Bigger.  And again – the quangocracy knows this – it counts on it.

And just like the Ground Elder, if you are trying to close down a quango it is premature to declare victory in the battle without allowing a few years to pass. Vigilance is required for at least this amount or back it will come – perhaps with a new name, perhaps with a new face at the helm or a new perfectly-plausible reason for why it is a “vital, necessary and important resource.”  It will try to scare you with that importance by threatening the loss of services you rely upon.  It is easy to scare people who feel vulnerable.  The quangocracy knows this – indeed, it counts on it.

One power that the quangocracy has that is greater even than the dreaded Ground Elder is the ability to assimilate people into it.  By the clever use of love-bombing opponents by ‘bringing them on board’, by granting “special responsibilities” complete with sweeteners, by offering a convenient untouchable scapegoat for the mistakes of others, by threatening dire consequences for non-compliance with the quangocracy, or sometimes just by relentless sweet persuasion it becomes a terrible weed indeed.  Imagine if the Ground Elder in my garden didn’t just strangle and overrun the other plants but could actually turn them into Ground Elder too?  No more radiant roses, no more beautiful yellow swathes of Narcissus, no more luscious lillies.  Just acres and acres of conformist, colourless, bland green leaves.  That’s not the sort of garden anyone would want.

There is a simple rule-of-thumb which fits in well with the current localist agenda.  If a Quango is necssary and does important work then it should still be necessary and able to do important work with an elected person at its helm or as a privatised body.  Because somebody needs to be directly responsible for the spending of taxpayer-funds and that somebody must be removeable by the taxpayer.  Or the body itself must be controlled by the power of the markets.  Any Big State enthusiast (or indeed any small-state Conservative who has ‘gone native’ and bought into the whole quangocracy agenda) should still be able to see the merits of that.  If they are indeed necessary – then lets make sure they are also properly accountable. But if (and this surely goes for many of them) they are not necessary?  Let’s stack the firewood and get on with the much-promised bonfire. 

There is such a lot of ground elder in my garden that it would be easy to just throw my hands up and say: “To hell with it.”  I could just give up on my aspiration for a nice garden which I would enjoy sitting in and in which my son and I could shoot a few hoops or lounge in comfy garden chairs to Bat Out Of Hell, or Justin Bieber (depending on whether my son or I were choosing the music).  It would be much easier to do so.  Of course, every day I say that and do nothing, the weed grows larger and heavier and harder to shift.  The Quangocracy is just as deeply embedded.  A monumental task requires a herculean effort to tackle.

But how?  That’s the question.  How to get rid of these multi-layered bureaucratic monoliths in such a way as to make sure they don’t return?  I can only speculate based on how I plan to deal with the Ground Elder in my backgarden.  There’s no master plan, or clever scheme.  I’m not bringing in any specialists or advisors.  I will not be setting up a committee.  I have no intention of spending huge sums on a skewed consultation.  I’m just going to cut it down.  Even if that means damaging some of my other plants.  Even if my garden looks horrible for a while.  I’m going to dig up the roots.  I’m going to make liberal use of weedkiller.  And i’m going to keep doing that month after month and year after year until it is gone and is not coming back.  It’s that – or give the weeds free run of the garden forever.