Possible UKIP Manifesto 2014?
Helpful as I am, I’ve been going through some of the various UKIP leaks, gaffs and media storms of the last few months. I’ve noticed that in the comments sections following these pieces in the press, ‘Kippers flood out to do a mixture of “denying any of it is true” and saying: “So what if it is true, we believe in speaking our minds?” The conflicting nature of these two positions is entertaining, and somewhat typical in my experience.
Anyway, just for a bit of fun, here’s a possible Manifesto for UKIP for 2014, based purely on the alleged comments and policy positions the media have reported on over the last few months. I make no claim this is their real Manifesto. I just put it together myself, so it can’t possibly be. Though, given they are the party which “always tell the truth” maybe there’s a case that it should be? I dunno. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.
1/ Autism and ADHD are psychobabble created to keep “Lefties” in jobs, or they are caused by parents who don’t care enough about their kids to feed them properly.
2/ Teachers must be BANNED from teaching about Climate Change.*
1/ Hang ‘Em High. Particularly if they are foreign. Unless they are members or supporters or allies.
1/ Nut allergies don’t exist – sufferers just haven’t had enough chocolate.
2/ Kids with Downs Syndrome should be aborted.
1/ God is punishing the UK with all the “bad weather” because we introduced Same Sex marriage.
1/ We say we hate the BNP, but really we hope they are going to join us now that Nick Griffin is bankrupt.
2/ We pretend to hate the EDL too, but do we really?
- YOUNG PEOPLE IN CARE
1/ We think that all children in care are “takers” from the system and that they should know what parasites they are. So we tell them.
1/ Gay people baffle us. They have every right to be Gay, but they should stop causing all this bad weather immediately.
2/ Female gay people are the most baffling of all.
- FOREIGN AFFAIRS
1/ Apartheid had some good ideas. Don’t be so quick to knock it. We should reappraise it.
1/ A huge number of Bulgarians and Romanians will arrive on January 1st, 2014. How many? Somewhere between 29 Million and, uh, two dozen.
2/ More Romanians should come. This many is disappointing. We’d based a lot of leaflets on this
3/ Expel ALL migrants.
4/ … Except if Nigel Farage wakes up on the right side of the bed, as long as he doesn’t revise his view later.
5/ We’re not racist but…
1/ We want to cut all taxes while increasing virtually all areas of expenditure. This is possible by continually respending the amount of money we pay to be members of the European Union.
2/ When it comes to cutting the EU Budget though. We won’t support that.
1/ Eastern Europeans are only coming here to claim benefits, but are also “stealing all the jobs.” Simultaneously. This makes perfect sense.
2/ Everything is somebody else’s fault – a law that makes more sense than Supply & Demand.
- FREE SPEECH
1/ We should be allowed free speech, no matter how crazy we sound.
2/ … Unless one of our members says something we disagree with.
3/ If anybody uses free speech against us they should be silenced, banned or otherwise bullied into silence**.
- GLOBAL CONSPIRACIES***
1/ Everything is a grand conspiracy by a secretive global group to Rule The World.
2/ Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
So. There you have it. Have I missed anything? Let me know.
* I’m an AGW Sceptic too. But I certainly wouldn’t support “banning” teachers from teaching about it. Why are UKIP proposals always so extreme?
** How’s that working out for you?
** Okay, this last bit isn’t real. It could be though, couldn’t it? I’ve seen their comments on news threads. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility at all.