Santa Is NOT A Lefty
YouGov ran a silly Christmas poll where they asked people how they thought Santa Claus would vote. The result? Most people thought he would vote Labour, with the Green Party coming second place. Conservatives came third, with UKIP trailing and Lib Dems coming pretty much nowhere. Now, silliness aside for a moment, what does this say about the British public? I suggest it says that they don’t vote based on consideration of the actual question they are asking, but on some pre-conceived bias or notion of their own. Well, the ones YouGov spoke to anyway.
But never you worry, dear reader, for I am here to put the matter straight. Ten reasons why Santa Claus is definitely not a Lefty.
(1) Santa’s List
Santa keeps a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice. If you’ve been nice you get presents. If you’ve been naughty you get a lump of coal. Everybody has the chance to be worthy of a present, by being nice, and a chance of losing their present due to naughtiness. This is equality of Opportunity – everybody having the chance of reward based on their actions. Definitely not Equality of Outcome, which would have to involve everybody getting the exact same thing. (Probably the coal, if Santa was a socialist. Equality of poverty.) This makes Santa a Righty, not a Lefty.
(2) Santa’s HQ
Santa has a huge headquarters where elves (or some other similar mythical creature) toil to prepare the gifts for his big Christmas give-away. That HQ and all the workshop tools and manufacturing devices are all part of Santa’s private ownership of capital. At no point has it ever been suggested that the elves have equal shares in that operation. Which makes Santa a supporter of a Capitalist system of commerce. A Righty, not a Lefty.
(3) Santa’s Belly
We know that Santa drinks millions of glasses of egg nog, whisky, sherry, or whatever else is left out for him on Christmas Eve. And he eats a veritable mountain of mince pies. His girth demonstrates that this isn’t a rare occurrence for him – he enjoys himself immensely. Since it is generally left-wing and liberal groups that want to monitor and control everything people eat and drink I’m pretty confident this makes him a Righty, not a Lefty. At the very least it makes him an opponent of the Nanny State and Public Health movements.
(4) The North Pole
Given that he lives in a place which might eventually melt away due to the terrible threat of Global Warming – have you ever seen Santa marching to stop the burning of fossil fuels? Has he ever been arrested by Russians as he demonised their ships at sea? Nope. He seems pretty relaxed about the whole thing, which would seem to make him either a sceptic of warmism or just not worried about it. He even gives coal to the naughty kids! Hardly the act of a Green! What if they proceed to burn it? Definitely a Righty. Not a Lefty.
(5) The Magic Money Tree
Okay, on first glance it would seem that Santa’s ability to give stuff away without ever paying for it makes him economically Left Wing. But wait. If he were truly able to give away anything at all, then why aren’t the presents all ridiculously expensive? Why not give away enough that nobody ever need want for anything again – thereby creating a Lefty nirvana? Since he does not, it would seem that Santa must, therefore, be operating to some kind of budget. Just a type we do not understand? Perhaps he trades in stardust, or kind wishes? Either way, this still makes him a businessman operating within economic constraints, unable to spend beyond his means. Or perhaps it just makes him a very wealthy benefactor, which is private charity rather than state redistribution. Either way, a Righty, not a Lefty.
(6) Santa Is Red
Yeah, I know. Red is the colour of Socialists here in the UK. But in America, where Christmas is vastly bigger business than it is here, red is the colour of the Republicans. Righties. Also, according to some stories Santa turned from green to red in order to help Coca Cola with an advertising campaign in the Fifties. If that’s true then that hardly sounds like something even a champagne socialist would support? Well, except for maybe Tony Blair. But I digress.
(7) Santa’s Workforce
Santa employs a workforce made up entirely of elves. I have no idea of their sexual orientation, but in most stories the vast majority are white able-bodied males. Not much diversity in that workforce, huh? Nor are there are leprechauns, sylphs, fairies, gnomes or trolls. We have no idea if they get paid or not, but since they are described in most stories as a workforce rather than slaves, it seems likely they do. Yet no government has claimed to receive income tax from this, so that makes Santa a tax evader, or at best a tax avoider. Or maybe, working only a few days a year, they are employed on a Zero Hours contract? Or possibly they are all volunteers – which would fit in with them being called “Santa’s Little Helpers.” If so, they are surely being exploited with endless unpaid internships? Does any of this sound at all Lefty to you?
(8) Santa Bureaucracy
Santa requires no license to perform his duties. He follows no diversity or gender guidance. He delivers food he has prepared without ever needing a Food Hygiene Certificate. He enters a house full of children without subscribing to a CRB check. He can give dolls to girls and toy guns to boys without facing accusations of sexism. He can give dolls to boys and toy guns to girls without facing accusations of political correctness gone mad. He drives his sleigh all night, despite drinking at almost every house he visits. No, this doesn’t make him a righty. (Nice try.) But this complete absence of official regulation makes him the very opposite of everything that Lefties want. No statist rules apply to Santa. He is laissez-faire all the way.
(9) Santa’s Faith
There’s no getting away from the fact that the Santa Claus legend is intrinsically tied to Christianity. The presents are to celebrate Christ’s birthday, after all. At no time has Santa begun to appear at the major festivals of other faiths. He doesn’t show up at Guru Gobindh Singh’s birthday, Chinese New Year or Sughnassad. You don’t get a sleigh fly over at Vasant Panchami, Maha Shivaratri or Norouz. There is definitely no sign of him at Diwali, Hijra or even on World Religion Day. He’s very much a one faith mythical being. If he were a Lefty he’d have to spread his wings a bit, become more inclusive. They’d demand he was at other festivals as well as the obligatory Winterval, so as not to offend those of different faiths or of none. He appears entirely comfortable with the idea of his Faith being his own business. Which makes him a Righty, in my book.
(10) Santa Is Still There
Unless we’ve missed some key element of the story, Santa is still running the show. The elves and reindeer have not risen up and taken the ownership of the enterprise from their bourgoise capitalist pig of an employer. There has been no glorious revolution to free them from the yoke of exploitative paternalism. This is probably because they are quite happy with the arrangement between their employer and themselves, having entered into it by their own choice. Which makes them Righties, not lefties. Doesn’t it? Unless you Lefties are suggesting that Santa has enslaved them all? In which case, you’d better run a “Ban Santa” campaign before next December, hadn’t you?